Judgemental glares
follow every turning head
as my name is called
Loud and clear.
It leaves my ears ringing
& my legs go weak.
But I make an effort.
Somehow I stand,
and walk towards the stage.
Right now, my heart desires to shatter my ribs
And escape into a black hole
Its beats, loud and fast,
must be audible to the whole room
My demons are having a laugh right now
They mock my audacity for even showing up
Each bone in my body is cursing me
And begging me to take off
Fly away
Fade away
Disappear
The voices begin again
“I am embarrassing myself”
“They’re all better than me”
“I don’t have what it takes”
“I am inadequate”
Again, I make an effort.
Standing on the stage,
I take deep breaths
And fill my struggling lungs
with much-needed oxygen.
I raise my eyes and go through
The known and unknown faces in the crowd
They all look like judgemental robots
Again, I make an effort
I try to produce a sound
through my quivering lips.
It’s hard to utter complete sentences
while looking at them.
I lower my head and speak to the ground,
opening and closing my perspiring fists.
It’s easier like this.
Occasionally, I lift my head
only to welcome a new rush of adrenaline.
It’s hard to let go of my social anxiety
since it doesn’t let go of me.
It has become integral to me
like the colour of my skin.
In this cold room full of masses,
I long for the warmth and comfort of my four-walled room.
My safe haven
Where I don’t have to make one effort after another
Where I am not surrounded by these judgmental faces
Where I do not embarrass myself
Where there is no one better than me
Where I do not worry about my inadequacy
Where I have what it takes.